There are those in the Club, Niblick included, who think that sinister goings are afoot as two past Captains have in the last week been savaged on the course by that dreaded radio controlled trolley aka R2D2. The legal owner of the said grey machine is a retired printer from the South East; Niblick however thinks that it is really under the influence of dark powers and has been a “sleeper” ever since it first turned its dastardly wheels at St Enodoc lulling us all into a false sense of security. James Braid would turn in his grave at the bad language that fellow golfers have aimed at the robot as it has woven its erratic way around the course supposedly following the equally erratic golf of its “Owner”creeping into players' eye lines as they are about to putt. All this was just a ruse so people though it was nothing more than just a public nuisance but Niblick now knows otherwise.
All those years were just a build up to R2D2's real purpose which was the extermination of our small but very distinguished band of past Captains. The first assault was on one such hapless soul who in his time in office was oft referred to as the “Red Coat” Captain as we all had such a jolly time in his year in office; this had obviously upset the machine's real masters and made him the first such victim. The second one was much easier to pick as he has in the past upset most of the Members of the Club when his Celtic Rugby team have done well particularly at the expense of England and it is rumoured that yellow golf bags are like a red rag to a bull to the automaton.
Past Captains are quaking in their boots as to who is to be assaulted next on the course and with the two first victims being a Chartered Surveyor and a Teacher who will be next? An Engineer, a Glazier or even a Health & Safety Officer - now there's a thought especially as he is in high office on the Cornwall Golf Union which must make him THE prime target. Attempts in the past have been made to disable the machine with removal of its wheels but still like the Daleks it comes back to haunt us all. Who will rid us of this evil threatening our revered past Captains? Should we arrange an “accident” on the course with one of the Greenkeepers vehicles to crush it? Will it then phoenix-like rise again from the wreck? Who are these evil powers controlling the beast? Should we invite Doctor Who to become a Country Member? Questions, questions but no real answers; it is up to all of us to be on our guard to protect our past Captains and maybe suggest that they do not play until the real controlling force is eliminated.