Cornwall to be granted EU "Minority" Status

Published: 26th April 2014

Congratulations to the Cornish contingent within the golf club. At last the distinctive quality of your Celtic heritage has been acknowledged and you have been given National Minority Status. This means that you have been given the same status and privileges of the Welsh, Irish, and Scottish. Good luck with that.

It is understood that Rick Stein is forming a provisional government from his headquarters at his Seafood Restaurant in Padstow. The world’s most famous Cornishman, born in Oxfordshire of German parentage, and educated at Uppingham, insists that Independence is possible and his economic strategy is based on the re-emergence of tin and pilchards as the foundation of financial independence. The Institute of Financial Affairs questions whether the pasty is going to replace the pound as its official currency. Her Majesty’s Government is entering negotiations over the legal position regarding the proportion of Cornwall’s responsibility for the National Debt.

Meanwhile tensions are increasing on the border. The Cornish flag was taken down from Lanson Cassle and replaced with a Union Jack on Launceston Castle. Locals were divided over where their allegiance should lie. Tempers were becoming frayed. In Saltash, Waitrose is being occupied by men dressed in camouflage jackets and balaclavas. They are claiming that they are protecting their independence, but locals have detected suspiciously English accents and beneath their jackets their sweaters are said to bear the logo of Sunningdale Golf Club. Prime Minister Cameron has denied any part in encouraging this occupation and insists that the military manoeuvres on Dartmoor are entirely coincidental. The troops are there to support the Ten Tors Walk and nothing more. However Mr Cameron has pointed out that Mr Stein’s provisional Government has not been democratically elected and that it is a direct challenge to the historical influence that England has enjoyed over many generations in Cornwall.

The United States Vice President Joe Biden has landed at Newquay Airport offering the people of Cornwall full support in their struggle for freedom from the oppressive regime that they have endured for many years. He has introduced several motions at the United Nations which will introduce economic sanctions if HMG does anything provocative. At the moment military intervention is not being considered.

Along the border there is no truth in the suggestion that barbed wire is being stretched along the Tamar, nor that there are watch towers or machine gun posts being situated at strategic points. However the usual barricades are being placed on the main roads in the form of “road works”, traffic lights and speed cameras.

It is said that Mr Putin is not taking any interest in the developments at this time, but once the Ukraine situation is resolved?

Furthermore evidence of a cultural and linguistic divide are being collated. A recent BBC programme loosely based on “Jamaica Inn” was said to require sub titles to be understood in England. While Cornish people objected to the “Black and White Minstrel” representation of them in the story.

In the meantime members of MebyonKernow are jubilant with this recognition and plan for a referendum in the future to ratify a National Assembly.

Captain Mashie Taff

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Dates for your diary

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